Emotional Intelligence author Daniel Goleman, once used the term “feeling tone” to describe the ultimate measure of communication.
Communication involves a sender and a receiver. If you are sending accurate content but the feeling is off, your message is compromised by the feeling you mixed into it. I have often sent the wrong message when in fact I am simply not paying attention to my voice and expression at the moment I sent it. An associate of mine had a broken keyboard on their blackberry and every message was in CAPS! I always felt like I was being yelled at.
This mixed messaging happens to us more than you think. For this reason, “Self Awareness” is one of the fundamental skills of the emotionally intelligent person.
Let's go one level deeper. Apart from the relationship you have with your creator, what is the relationship that One relationship that matters most? It's not your spouse, kids or parents. I believe the answer is – your relationship with YOURSELF! How you FEEL about you is going to affect how you treat others. They are directly affected by your state. People can “sense” when you really enjoy their company.
What's the “feeling tone' you are having right now with yourself? Do you secretly beat yourself up because you are overweight, alone, not making more money or stuck in some way while others seem to be racing on with life on their own terms? The relationship you have with you is the most priceless discovery a Christian can make. Why? Because most are unaware that any relationship of self to self even exists!
Ever wonder why David talks to himself? He talks to his soul like he was coaching a friend out of depression.
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalm 42:5)
The Christian falls into an unintentional trap. A believer knows that God loves them and that forgiveness is really just a prayer away.
What Christians do not know is that this new way of life delivers us from periods of self loathing and self hatred because we are to “bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” EVERY thought, includes thought's that don't agree with God's estimate of you…including the critical thoughts you feed yourself every day! You lost the right to beat yourself up when you gave your life to Christ.
What is the “feeling tone” you have with yourself right now?
You are a beloved son or daughter. God is not dealing with accepting or rejecting you – that issue is already settled. You are “accepted in the beloved.” For the rest of your life, your heavenly Father is working on your “maturity” not your “acceptance.”
Charlie Chaplain was no theologian, but he was a genius of sorts. He played a lovable tramp in all his silent films. There is something he saw in the lowliest of men that resonated with the dignity of their Creator. You may be made of dust, and shall return to dust – but there is dignity in your dust. You are not the same person you once were. You have been infused with new life and a new nature. Look how far you have come. You have made progress.
If God had His way, when you look into the mirror you would feel the feelings He has toward you. The “feeling tone” between you and yourself would resonate with dignity, not disappointment. You child of royalty, you ought to feel a deep and abiding self respect, not shame.
Oh sons and daughters of Zion, enter the tabernacle of your father David and speak to yourself, say to your soul- “why are you disturbed within me?”
“Awake, my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn. I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.”
PSAM 57:8
Talk to yourself and SING! But that is a subject for another post.
I want to learn this … Thank you.. ..
It seems like a relationship with yourself is not always best in place of others when one has experienced substantial injustice. Sometimes it seems like people give a lot of self help advice from the perspective of people who have more outwardly in common with folks with more average circumstances and demographics. it seems like when someone loves you it really helps you even want to be yourself. I am one of the most unique and unusual people many people I know have met, and it has been a long process figuring out how to be what you describe here at all because I was so busy accommodating other people who didn’t want me to be like me that I didn’t have much time for much else besides trying to escape for some relief. Also when people need help different from what other people need it tends to create a sense of awkwardness with oneself and with others who don’t understand. Oftentimes even people who legitimately need help have learned to feel as though they shouldn’t if they have not had the understanding and patience of others. So what I am saying is that we need relationships and that it is a lot easier to have peace with oneself when there are others who are there who understand us. Some readers may find that they don’t understand how anyone could be so different or find it hard to come by others’ understanding, however most artists and savants and pioneers have felt that way if only in small measure. These comments are my original work and may be quoted but are my intellectual property. Thank you.
I can so relate to that. People want you to have the problems that THEY want you to have, often they don’t really even hear you when you try to share! They only want what they can spot fix. Sometimes you have problems BECAUSE of the good you want to do!
Fantastic Lance. Very relevant to what God is doing in my life at the moment. In fact he touched me deeply with his love in such a way this week and said “I am giving you the capacity to receive my goodness” I have looked in the mirror and loved what I see. Wow!
Thank you, Lance! That’s a good word out there 🙂 I’ve been learning and I am still in process of loving myself. It’s not easy at all. There are two verses in the Bible that really help me. One is – Love others as you love yourself ( I am paraphrasing). You you cannot love others, if you do not start loving yourself. And if you are a believer – this is a command! So you gotta work constantly with your emotions and character even though – God helps you. :). And Solomon also once said – as you think of yourself so you are. 🙂 And again work with yourself …
Thanks again!
Very timely. No doubt, I struggle w this issue. More importantly, just YESTERDAY, my 16 year old son shared something w me that happened when he was in the 8th grade that had made him feel like a failure. Out of the clear blue, he shared this. He does not outwardly come across as feeling like a failure (though, I wasn’t too surprised…). Thankful, this surfaced and he shared it w me before he went back to his “not sharing anything teen guy” state. My challenge is two fold — standing at the gate of my home and taking authority of the lies of the enemy and reaching him to do the same PLUS replacing these thought patterns (strongholds) with what God says about him. Prayers for wisdom appreciated.
Excellent!
When I started to become self aware I remember looking in the mirror one time and I literally said aloud ‘well, hello there’! I saw myself as though for the first time!
I enjoyed this post. I know how I truly feel “leaks out” in every conversation, email, or text. I have great appreciation for the development of skills in self-awareness and managing my state, learned from my mentors Lance and Annabelle Wallnau. It is surprising how much difference even a little intentional change in this area will make!
YES! And consider that the 2nd greatest commandment Jesus said is “Love your neighbor as (you love) yourself”. If we’re NOT loving ourselves, we’re not gonna be able to love our neighbors correctly! If we’re constantly beating ourselves up, looking at every little mistake we make, we’re gonna “love our neighbor” the same way!
So important