Your Most Neglected Relationship May Surprise You

Love MyselfEmotional Intelligence author Daniel Goleman, once used the term “feeling tone” to describe the ultimate measure of communication.

Communication involves a sender and a receiver. If you are sending accurate content but the feeling is off, your message is compromised by the feeling you mixed into it. I have often sent the wrong message when in fact I am simply not paying attention to my voice and expression at the moment I sent it. An associate of mine had a broken keyboard on their blackberry and every message was in CAPS! I always felt like I was being yelled at.

This mixed messaging happens to us more than you think. For this reason, “Self Awareness” is one of the fundamental skills of the emotionally intelligent person.

Let’s go one level deeper. Apart from the relationship you have with your creator, what is the relationship that One relationship that matters most? It’s not your spouse, kids or parents. I believe the answer is – your relationship with YOURSELF! How you FEEL about you is going to affect how you treat others. They are directly affected by your state. People can “sense” when you really enjoy their company.

What’s the “feeling tone’ you are having right now with yourself? Do you secretly beat yourself up because you are overweight, alone, not making more money or stuck in some way while others seem to be racing on with life on their own terms? The relationship you have with you is the most priceless discovery a Christian can make. Why? Because most are unaware that any relationship of self to self even exists!

Ever wonder why David talks to himself? He talks to his soul like he was coaching a friend out of depression.

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalm 42:5)

The Christian falls into an unintentional trap. A believer knows that God loves them and that forgiveness is really just a prayer away.

What Christians do not know is that this new way of life delivers us from periods of self loathing and self hatred because we are to “bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” EVERY thought, includes thought’s that don’t agree with God’s estimate of you…including the critical thoughts you feed yourself every day! You lost the right to beat yourself up when you gave your life to Christ.

What is the “feeling tone” you have with yourself right now?

You are a beloved son or daughter. God is not dealing with accepting or rejecting you – that issue is already settled. You are “accepted in the beloved.” For the rest of your life, your heavenly Father is working on your “maturity” not your “acceptance.”

Charlie Chaplain was no theologian, but he was a genius of sorts. He played a lovable tramp in all his silent films. There is something he saw in the lowliest of men that resonated with the dignity of their Creator. You may be made of dust, and shall return to dust – but there is dignity in your dust. You are not the same person you once were. You have been infused with new life and a new nature. Look how far you have come. You have made progress.

If God had His way, when you look into the mirror you would feel the feelings He has toward you. The “feeling tone” between you and yourself would resonate with dignity, not disappointment. You child of royalty, you ought to feel a deep and abiding self respect, not shame.

Oh sons and daughters of Zion, enter the tabernacle of your father David and speak to yourself, say to your soul- “why are you disturbed within me?”

“Awake, my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn. I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.”

PSAM 57:8

Talk to yourself and SING! But that is a subject for another post.

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33 thoughts on “Your Most Neglected Relationship May Surprise You

  1. It seems like a relationship with yourself is not always best in place of others when one has experienced substantial injustice. Sometimes it seems like people give a lot of self help advice from the perspective of people who have more outwardly in common with folks with more average circumstances and demographics. it seems like when someone loves you it really helps you even want to be yourself. I am one of the most unique and unusual people many people I know have met, and it has been a long process figuring out how to be what you describe here at all because I was so busy accommodating other people who didn’t want me to be like me that I didn’t have much time for much else besides trying to escape for some relief. Also when people need help different from what other people need it tends to create a sense of awkwardness with oneself and with others who don’t understand. Oftentimes even people who legitimately need help have learned to feel as though they shouldn’t if they have not had the understanding and patience of others. So what I am saying is that we need relationships and that it is a lot easier to have peace with oneself when there are others who are there who understand us. Some readers may find that they don’t understand how anyone could be so different or find it hard to come by others’ understanding, however most artists and savants and pioneers have felt that way if only in small measure. These comments are my original work and may be quoted but are my intellectual property. Thank you.

    • I can so relate to that. People want you to have the problems that THEY want you to have, often they don’t really even hear you when you try to share! They only want what they can spot fix. Sometimes you have problems BECAUSE of the good you want to do!

  2. Fantastic Lance. Very relevant to what God is doing in my life at the moment. In fact he touched me deeply with his love in such a way this week and said “I am giving you the capacity to receive my goodness” I have looked in the mirror and loved what I see. Wow!

  3. Thank you, Lance! That’s a good word out there 🙂 I’ve been learning and I am still in process of loving myself. It’s not easy at all. There are two verses in the Bible that really help me. One is – Love others as you love yourself ( I am paraphrasing). You you cannot love others, if you do not start loving yourself. And if you are a believer – this is a command! So you gotta work constantly with your emotions and character even though – God helps you. :). And Solomon also once said – as you think of yourself so you are. 🙂 And again work with yourself …
    Thanks again!

  4. Very timely. No doubt, I struggle w this issue. More importantly, just YESTERDAY, my 16 year old son shared something w me that happened when he was in the 8th grade that had made him feel like a failure. Out of the clear blue, he shared this. He does not outwardly come across as feeling like a failure (though, I wasn’t too surprised…). Thankful, this surfaced and he shared it w me before he went back to his “not sharing anything teen guy” state. My challenge is two fold — standing at the gate of my home and taking authority of the lies of the enemy and reaching him to do the same PLUS replacing these thought patterns (strongholds) with what God says about him. Prayers for wisdom appreciated.

  5. When I started to become self aware I remember looking in the mirror one time and I literally said aloud ‘well, hello there’! I saw myself as though for the first time!

  6. I enjoyed this post. I know how I truly feel “leaks out” in every conversation, email, or text. I have great appreciation for the development of skills in self-awareness and managing my state, learned from my mentors Lance and Annabelle Wallnau. It is surprising how much difference even a little intentional change in this area will make!

  7. YES! And consider that the 2nd greatest commandment Jesus said is “Love your neighbor as (you love) yourself”. If we’re NOT loving ourselves, we’re not gonna be able to love our neighbors correctly! If we’re constantly beating ourselves up, looking at every little mistake we make, we’re gonna “love our neighbor” the same way!

  8. Lance, this is so good! No one is talking about self relationships and it needs to. We all have periods of loathing or self disgust but that is the soul realm not the spirit of us. Inside we are perfect in Christ but the soul in being saved daily and mostly in the wrong way. I love your practical way of putting Gods word into action in my life. I want to hear more about this!!

  9. Thanks Brother! You are right on time. This is the only area of my life that is holding me back. I want to dig deeper into this subject! God bless ya!

  10. Excellent! Thank you for this. Sooooo many Believers in Jesus have not yet learned or discerned that ALL external relationships with others reflect the quality of, and flow and operate out of (1) their spirit relationships with Father, Son and the Holy Ghost, and (2) their spirit-soul relationship with their self. Many attempt to be spiritual without knowing how to accept and love their own soul. We can’t give to others what we are not yet capable of or are not willing or able to give to ourselves first. We love others as we first love ourselves, our soul. 🙂

  11. This is right on track with some things going on in my life, or things that I’ve been contemplating and praying about. I know all this is true, some of it is the same message I’ve heard in church a number of times before (no longer have the right to think bad thoughts about yourself as a child of God, etc). But how to do that is my struggle. How does one erase years of negative self-talk and negative self-view? How do you change the core identity of who you are if you’ve been beat up and you yourself have been the main contributor? On one hand, I think it’s the choice to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” but on the other hand I don’t feel like I can will myself into this new identity. Somehow I need the Lord to do this, I think He’s the one that changes us, if we are trying to change ourselves then wont we produce the fruit of self will and self effort? An effort of our flesh that is prideful because it says we can do this without God’s help?

    • Romans 12:1-2. The power of the renewed mind. God doesn’t renew our mind. Jesus doesn’t renew our mind. Prayer alone doesn’t renew our mind. Please read Romans 12:1-2 in the context of Romans 11. We must renew our own mind. How to renew the mind? (1) Spend more time reading the Word; (2) believe what the Word says about you; (3) repeat out loud to yourself what the Word says about you, and what and who you are in Christ through the completed work on the cross and Jesus’ blood. (4) Feed your spirit with high quality spirit Word food, the right type of Word. (5) Change your spiritual root system; righteousness through Christ vs. sin consciousness. (6) You may need to modify or add other quality Word teachers. I recommend Joseph Prince, Lance Wallnau and Andrew Wommack. (7) The most important and valuable resource? Read the Word more and believe it. The Word is spirit; it is a supernatural spiritual force. (8) Your spirit is more powerful than your soul. Feed your spirit and retrain, transform, your soul with the Word. (9) Pray. Ask Father to teach you how to accept yourself. Ask Father to teach you how to fall in love with you. (10) Laugh more. Try to not take life or yourself so seriously. Dance. Eat some dutch chocolate ice cream. Pass gas in public, deny that it was you and then laugh at yourself. Give yourself permission to pass gas and still love your imperfect self in the process. (11) Don’t try to be perfect. Be normal. Christ’s resurrection gave us the right to pass gas in public and still be loved and accepted by Father. (12) Religion breeds the need for perfection. Father’s grace and agape love gives us unconditional, perfect spirit love and acceptance. (13) Learn about Father’s grace. Embrace Father’s grace. Trust and apply Father’s grace in your life. Father’s grace is more than enough. (14) Forgive and let the yucky stuff go, yours and others’. (15) Trust the Holy Spirit. Be at peace.

    • I forgot another person I feel compelled to add. If you are not familiar with Graham Cooke, please check him out. His teachings and books will alter your perspective and change your life, if you will receive into your spirit what he says. Graham, who is a Prophet’s Prophet, teaches us how to embrace our personal relationship with the Holy Spirit and Jesus, and to remain in, minister and flow out of the presence of the Father. You will learn the reality of the Person of Jesus. You will learn that the Holy Spirit is your best friend, and that you can trust Him with your life. Through your relationship with the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit will teach you how to love yourself just as the Holy Spirit loves you.

      Please read John ch. 15. Yoke yourself to Jesus via spending more time in the Word. Now, in this post-Jesus’ resurrection dispensation,
      Jesus, the Word, Father and the Holy Spirit are one. See John 17:5-26. Jesus, the dunamis power in the Word, and the inherent power of the Holy Spirit will burn the dross out of your heart and soul. Allow the Holy Spirit to do in you what He desires to do, which is to teach you that Father loves you just as much as Father loves Jesus. Embrace Father’s perfect agape love for you, then accept your love for yourself. This is the power of the renewed mind. And, there is no pressure or stress associated with this. Simply read and believe, then speak the Word to yourself in faith. The Word and the holy spirit will do the work, changing you from the inside out. Blessings, grace, favor and peace.

  12. RIGHT ON. Confirmation. Read Phil 4:8 this am. Whatever…….
    We all have to be reminded. How much HIS love for us personally to
    be able to share this LOVE. Thank you. another level of maturity…..

  13. Thank you ! how true, this really helped me to see myself in a whole new way. I found out that I doubt myself maybe more that I should. The word of God has told me that I am more than a conqueror, masterpiece of His hand work, ambassador of Christ, Loved, gifted and more. I need to have a quality time with myself and telling myself what The word of God said about myself. Thank you and God bless for speaking life to many.

  14. Being the oldest child of a high level functioning alcoholic Dad, I became an over-achiever & severely performance oriented. I was able to be a forerunner for females in a male dominated field. At almost 40, I crashed, burned & was diagnosed with at least 4 auto immune diseases. At 56 today, the Lord has dramatically healed me physically, but…will I EVER like myself again? I so want to get back to my career & get my A-game on again, but will anyone give me the chance at a decent position somewhere? I still kick myself for stuff I KNOW I shouldn’t be–I do want to like myself like others do. Any encouragement here would help. Thank you.

    • My dear, I couldn’t help but notice that at age 56, you still primarily define yourself as your alcoholic father’s child. If I may… are you emotionally and mentally stuck in your alcoholic father’s paradigm? When we are emotionally and mentally stuck, this can cause us to become spiritually stuck. Many alcoholics have internally buried and carry a great deal of emotional pain. They transfer their pain to others. You are an Adult Child Of an Alcoholic, an ACOA. You have absorbed and acquired your father’s pain, hence your own unresolved issues. ACOAs have their own unique maladaptive, dysfunctional, self-destructive, non-coping, unhealthy behavior patterns. ACOAs crave external positive reinforcement and affirmation, often becoming a high-achieving Type-A personality type. When rejected, many spiral into cycles of debilitating depression. Your physical issues reflect your unresolved emotional and psychological pain. At this season in your life, your career should no longer be your priority. I venture to add that your spiritual growth has been greatly hindered by your deep, unattended to soul wounds. Many of your relationships with others have suffered because you are distracted and disconnected from your internal relationship with yourself; your soul and your spirit. Hiding from, denying or ignoring your soul wound pain will cause and feed spiritual weakness and unhealthy relationships. Shift your focus. Focus on plugging up the holes in your soul and developing spiritually. Until you do, this painful cycle will continually repeat itself. Research ACOA, attend some meetings and join an ACOA support group. Learn about your ACOA issues, accept your truth, face your issues and learn from them, confront the pain of being an ACOA, learn to forgive your father for not being the father you needed him to be for you, learn new and healthy coping skills, heal, and then move forward with your life. “Crashing and burning” are classic indicators that your life was out of balance. You have Christ living inside of you. Talk to Jesus. Jesus cares for your soul just as much as He cares for your spirit. Read your bible more. Forgive and accept yourself. The Holy Spirit will teach you how to love yourself just as much as Father loves Jesus and loves you. The Word, Jesus and the Holy Spirit can help you get you in spirit-soul balance – spiritually, emotionally, relationally, psychologically and socially. Shift from religion to a Kingdom-centered relationship with Christ. Your “A-game” will be totally different when you are emotionally and spiritually healthy. Your performance mind-set will change. Instead of craving external acceptance, vindication and affirmation because of deep soul wounds, you can learn to be led by your spirit, the real you that is already perfectly whole and healthy through faith in and your relationship with Christ. This is a process. Change and healing will not occur overnight. Give yourself permission and time to heal. Wish you the best on your new journey. God bless.

    • It is OK to be honest with yourself for improvement and growth but how you define yourself makes all the difference in the world. Ephesians 2:10 You ARE a MASTERPIECE! God sees you as the MASTERPIECE you are and will be and you are NOT defined by your past, present.

    • I believe that having a successful career is not the only way to have self-respect and a healthy self-esteem. Looking to what God sees in us is. He sees us for who we really are – His children, made in His image and likeness through Jesus, His only son. Learning to follow Him and do His will, will satisfy our souls. Psalm 16:11 – In His presence is fullness of joy, at His right hand are pleasures forevermore.

  15. Masterpiece in modern usage refers to a creation that has been given much critical praise, especially one that is considered the greatest work of a person’s career or to a work of outstanding creativity, skill, or workmanship.

    Eph 2:10 For we are of God’s making, created in union with the Messiah Yeshua for a life of good actions already prepared by God for us to do. (Complete Jewish Bible)

    So now I believe that I am God’s greatest idea and the pinnacle of His creation.

    Mat 3:16 As soon as Yeshua had been immersed, he came up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, he saw the Spirit of God coming down upon him like a dove,
    Mat 3:17 and a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; I am well pleased with him.” (Complete Jewish Bible)

    I have the same Holy Spirit that descended upon Jesus as he came up out of the waters of immersion at the Jordan river. A masterpiece with the Spirit of God active and flowing through me.

    And now I meditate on the verse of King David’s song.

    Psalm 23:6 Surely your goodness and faithfulness will pursue me all my days, and I will live in the Lord’s house for the rest of my life. (NET Bible)

    For now the song on my lips is of God’s favor (or a kind God) “chasing down” the one whom he loves. For this “masterpiece” has been kissed by His breath of life and I as a child of God am in awe…

  16. Lance, thank you for sharing. This is so encouraging and very timely. I agree singing is very powerful and releases God’s light into thoughts and situations. I visualize it as flipping the light switch on in the thought realm, any critters lurking quickly flee. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on that…. Grace grace

  17. An outstanding share! I’ve just forwarded this onto a
    coworker who had been conducting a little research on this.
    And he actually ordered me lunch because I discovered it for him…

    lol. So allow me to reword this…. Thank YOU for the
    meal!! But yeah, thanx for spending the time to talk about this subject here on your blog.

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